An Assassin and White Christmas
by Seraphim Grace
Summary: Omi wants a family Christmas so they've invited Schwartz, but only Aya knows the horror that awaits. Side story to AA&W (Complete)
1. Introducing the buddy system

An assassin and White Christmas

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

"_Though the weather outside is frightful_," Farfarello sang at the top of his voice, and remarkably in tune, "_the fire is still delightful, and since we've no place to go, let it snow, let it snow, let it snow."_

"Farfarello," Crawford said cocking his magnum and looking at the gathered hostages that were sitting around a particularly garish silver Christmas tree. "Enough with the Christmas songs."

"I can't help it." The mad Irish man whined, "I just love Christmas."

"but Christmas is the holiest day of the year," Schuldig whined from where he had been forced to watch reruns of Christmas movies solidly for two days and was tied to the garish silver fibre-optic Christmas tree that Farfarello had liberated from a mission several nights before. Nagi was asleep and drooling on his thigh. "It's The day God was born, you hate god, ergo you hate Christmas."

"Christmas is nothing to do with god." Farfarello grinned, "it's about consumerism and eggnog and presents and greed. No one goes to church on Christmas so I love it, Christmas hurts god more than a belly full of Easter chocolate hurts Nagi."

Crawford removed the safety on his gun. "You love Christmas, fan-bloody-tastic, now please stop singing Let it snow."

Farfarello gave his most evil grin, "Sleigh bells ring, are you listening? In the lane, the snow is glistening, a beautiful sight, we're happy tonight, walking in a winter wonderland."

"Oh, bah humbug." Crawford said, un-cocking the gun and putting it back in his shoulder holster.

"And the grinch's heart grew so much that daaaayyyy…" Schuldig said but was cut off by Nagi waking up and squeezing his thigh, then turning over and trying to get comfortable before realising he had put his face in Schuldig's crotch.

"Aarrgggghhhh!" He screamed jumping up as the windows around the apartment shattered blowing themselves out in a telekinetic explosion. "Ugh, unclean, unclean."

Farfarello had pulled on a Santa suit and matching fur hat and was managing to sing jingle bells in a rather fair baritone.

As Crawford started counting, under his breath, the phone began to ring. Nagi wrapped his hand up in a handkerchief and lifted the handset. "Hello." He said, no one ever phoned this number, the phone was dedicated to phoning in takeout. "Aya-san?" He asked. "Okay, I'll give him the phone." He turned to Crawford. "it's Weiss, for you."

Crawford looked surprised, but took the phone, he made a few grunts, hung up and then picked up his winter coat. "I'm going out." He said, "Nagi, if you're coming, stop shrieking unclean and put your shoes on."

"Why?"

"Because you're invited too. Weren't you listening, and besides if I leave you with that pair you may go slightly strange." He looked at the boy, and then back at Farfarello dancing with a plush reindeer he had acquired from somewhere and Schuldig trying to untie himself from the silver Christmas tree. "Okay, very strange."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

There were several neutral meeting grounds that Weiss and Schwartz made use of when they were publicly enemies. McDonalds was one of them. Abyssinian and Bombay were sat at a booth trying to look as inconspicuous as possible when one is blonde and the other has hair the colour of a coke can. Crawford moved over to them while sending Nagi to the counter with some money to get himself something to eat. Nagi had finally reached that age when nothing filled the great gaping chasm he had for a stomach. He often managed to eat six whole bowls of rice by himself.

"You wanted to see us?" Crawford said sliding into the booth.

"Yep, yes, yeah, and all of the above." Omi grinned bouncing and chattering excitedly.

Aya rolled his eyes and moved the paper cup away from him, "that's enough sugar for you, and I told you to get diet."

"So, what is it?" Crawford asked, as Nagi came back to the table with a tray laden with food, although none of it looked remotely healthy.

"We're inviting you for Christmas." Omi said with a massive grin, and stealing one of Nagi's fries. "We," Aya grunted, "I mean I," he looked at Aya, "want a family Christmas whilst I'm still young enough to appreciate it, and so we're inviting all of Schwartz on a Christmas amnesty, and you're to come to the Koneko for Christmas eve to stay over, and have Christmas morning with us, and have Christmas dinner and then we can all open all our presents together. We never get missions over Christmas since that time I cried at Manx, and if we're not doing anything you can be sure that you're not, so are you coming, please, please, say you're coming, I can talk and talk and talk and talk until you say you are."

Crawford blinked under the onslaught before removing his glasses and rubbing them clean with a napkin, it gave him a few precious seconds to actually interpret what was being said. "I don't know." He said, "not because we're deadly enemies, but Farfarello goes a little strange at Christmas."

"Please, Crawford," Nagi said, making his blue eyes very large and very vulnerable, across the table another pair of blue eyes were making themselves very large and very vulnerable.

"You don't understand." Crawford protested, "he sings Christmas song, he's more full of Christmas cheer than a drunk Santa on crack, and Schuldig's worse, he hates Christmas."

The two pairs of eyes managed to get even larger and shinier as a pair of lower lips began to wobble.

"You're outgunned." Abyssinian said quietly, "though I didn't know Nagi had perfected the "you just kicked my puppy" face. Admit defeat gracefully. We have brandy butter." It was almost a gentle tease, from anyone else it would have been, hell if they had been alone it would have been.

"Okay," Crawford said, "I'll invite them, but I'm not forcing them, in fact I'd rather pop them on a plane to Lapland with instructions to come back in the new year with reindeer jerky."

Omi jumped across the table to glomp him. "Thank you, thank you, thank you." Then he looked up at him with quite a wicked smirk, a smirk that was trademark Schuldig. "Hey, has anyone ever told you that you smell really nice?" Omi suddenly moved backwards pulled by a pair of arms in a rather garish orange sweater.

"No fraternising with the enemy in public, Bombay." He chided, tapping him on the nose with his finger. "You know our address, be there on the twenty fourth around lunch time. Knock on the back door three times and Siberian will let you in. Try not to be seen."

"Ayan," Omi said, "it's only Christmas, not a mission."

"Omi," Aya said with a bit of a frown, "you've never had a family Christmas, they're harder to execute than missions, far more things can go wrong." He stood up and lifted the paper cup which Omi had obviously been drinking from. "See you then, and bring presents or Siberian will not let you in." He grabbed Omi by the collar from where he was bouncing, "come on, Omi, or you're walking home."

"can we get more cola?" Omi asked excitedly.

"No." Aya said firmly.

"Top ups are free." Omi wheedled.

Aya's eyes momentarily flashed up with yen signs. "Okay. But you're not drinking it in my car."

Nagi chose that moment to look at Crawford and grin brightly. Then without any other warning, glomped him exactly as Omi had. "Thank you." He said, "I've never had a family Christmas, hell I've never had a family before you, thank you." Despite being a cold hearted assassin, despite being a fully signed up member of Evil Incorporated, and despite being in the McDonalds in the middle of the Shibuya shopping district Crawford, for a moment, felt overwhelmed with Christmas cheer, and he thought he might cry. Then he shook it off, for crying out loud he was a grown man, and big boys don't cry just because Nagi had called him family.

"Come on then," he said a little more gruffly than usual, "it's the eighteenth now, that gives us six shopping days till Christmas."

"Crawford," Nagi asked looking up at him, "are you feeling all right?"

"Perfectly fine, why?" Crawford said climbing out of the booth now that Nagi had finished eating and lifting the tray.

"Well, you just suggested willingly parting with money."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Crawford wandered around the shopping district with his hand rubbing over the gun in his pocket, it was the only thing that so far had stopped him from just gunning down the next group of teenagers that barged in front of him, giggled, labelled Nagi as kawaii and then tried, rather unsuccessfully, to lure him away. He had started muttering under his breath. He hated shopping. He hated gift shopping and he hated Christmas gift shopping most of all. Nagi, on the other hand, seemed to be having a whale of a time.

He flitted from shop to shop picking up items and asking "would he like it?" before putting it down and picking up an almost identical item and deciding he would like it more before taking Crawford to the counter and having him sign for it and then carry the items, and do his best not to commit mass murder in the meantime.

"Are we even nearly done yet?" Crawford asked.

"Almost, we only have to buy for Aya-san, and a gift for the old lady that works there, and something to thank them for having us over." Nagi chewed on a fingernail for a moment. "There are some nice lace shawls in the department store that will work for their cover, and wine and cake will do for the thank you present, but I have no idea what to get for Aya-san."

"Did you remember Aya-chan?" Crawford asked.

Nagi went pale, "I completely forgot, I mean I know we're not meant to know about her, but it would be awfully rude if we didn't get her anything, and what do you get a teenaged girl anyway?"

"Are you and your brother looking for a gift for your girlfriend?" One of the assistants asked stepping out from behind a large display of cushions. "I know just the thing."

"Dear god almighty," Crawford swore, his hand reflexively tightening about the butt of his gun, "you nearly scared ten years off me."

"Certainly sir," the man said with an obsequious smile, "now if you will just follow me, I'm sure we have the perfect gift for the young lady in our jewellery collection." Crawford swallowed- this was going to be expensive.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.

Aya looked at the gathered members of Weiss in the mission room. "So far everything is going to plan." He said, Omi bounced up on the sofa excitedly, Yohji sat on the stairs in what he considered a provocative sprawl, and Ken was sat on the floor looking at Aya in wonder. "They will be arriving on the 23rd with presents. Now I must remind you that Omi has asked for this for Christmas and we all capitulated."

Ken raised a hand.

"Gave in." Aya corrected looking at Siberian. "Now I understand that Crawford will be giving a similar speech to the members of Schwartz. These are the rules we're to follow whilst they are staying with us. 1. No killing them, it's very difficult to dispose of bodies in the holiday season. 2. No overt fraternizing, Balinese I'm talking to you." Yohji looked affronted for a moment and then shrugged in a way that said if anyone was caught fraternising it would be him. "3. And no poking under the tree. By having Schwartz here on Christmas morning when we open the gifts we can assume safely that there won't be a bomb. Any questions?" Ken raised his hand. "Siberian?"

"If we're just having them over for Christmas why are we having a mission briefing?"

"Of us all," Aya said looking around the room, "I am the only one that's ever had a normal family Christmas, Ken you were raised in an orphanage, Omi, you were raised by Kritiker, Yohji, your mother struggled to raise you alone." All three of them looked sheepish at this, "therefore none of you know the horror you have subjected yourselves to. Omi, we've only given into this so we never ever ever ever ever have to do it again. Any other questions." The rest of them grumbled. "And Christmas is the time of year when people are most likely to commit suicide, therefore I suggest we implement the buddy system to prevent any of us doing that over the Christmas period. Omi, you pair up with Ken, Yohji, you're with me."

"I knew you loved me." Yohji said with a gush.

"Yohji, while it's difficult to dispose of bodies in the holiday season, it's not impossible."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>..

Author's note:

Ken was going to be sat trying to tie his shoelaces but even I had to draw the line somewhere, I kind of imagine him to be like David Beckham, really good at football but the lights are on a really low wattage.

Any how, I am still working on AA&Wbaby, but I thought you'd like a Christmas Special. The stuff about Ken in the orphanage came from Dramatic Precious CD, which suggests that Ken and Nagi have a past, du du der!

Please review. Please. It's Christmas.


	2. The Christmas music of the night

Part 2

"Hey Far," Schuldig shouted through the Schwarz safehouse, "Crawford's gone mad and is taking us to the bahamas for Christmas."

"Feck," Farfarello swore, "nah, you must have misheard him." Crawford lowered his head in his hands and started counting.

"The Koneko." Crawford enunciated the word very carefully. "Not Kokomo."

Schuldig looked crestfallen, "I thought it was too much to hope that you had said Kokomo, but then I thought about it and knew there was no way you'd take us to the Bahamas." He thumped the side of his head with the butt of his hand, "he's finally stopped singing but I swear I still have It's Cold Outside ringing through my head, and why are we going into the lair of our worst enemies for Christmas?" He raised a brightly coloured eyebrow, "and who's going to look after the cat?"

"I got puppy dog eyed." Crawford snapped. "And we can take the cat with us, we're only going to the Koneko not the moon, and you say no when both Prodigy and Bombay unleash the super kawaii you just kicked my puppy and I'll cry if you say no look at you."

"And this has nothing to do with Abyssinian?" Schuldig pressed.

Crawford took off his glasses and squeezed the bridge of his nose in a long suffering manner. "Nothing whatsoever, the children want a family Christmas, and come hell or high water we will supply them one."

"Why?" Schuldig asked, "and can I still go to the Bahamas? I'll pay for my own ticket, I have enough saved."

"You are going to the Koneko, and you will have Christmas with them and you will enjoy, we are legitimate members of Evil Incorporated and I have checked the handbook and Family Christmases are mentioned as a perfect example of perfect unhappiness crystallised down into three days, and if I have to suffer it the pair of you are as well." Crawford snapped.

"But what about the Evil Incorporated Christmas bash?" Schuldig asked. "It's always a scream, and we have to celebrate the mass marketing of Harry Potter this year, we've got him on tooth brushes."

Crawford looked up "Feck." He said quite clearly. Then he thought about it, "feck, feck, feck, feck, feck, and feck, with feck on top."

"Hey," Farfarello said coming into the room, he had now dressed himself as a reindeer complete with horns and a stick on red nose, with a plush robin on his shoulder. "That's my line."

Crawford looked him clear in the eye. "Oh, just feck off."

For a whole moment Farfarello's lip quivered and then he ran out of the room crying.

"Now look what you've done." Schuldig said looking at the retreating form of the Irish lunatic (who was conspicuously dressed as a reindeer for Christmas), "You've made Far cry."

"Schuldig," Crawford started and the rest of his speech was nicely cut off by Nagi coming in with his kitten in his arms.

"Hey, what's wrong with Far, did you tell him that we're going to the Koneko for Christmas."

Crawford gave Nagi a death glare but it just rolled off, but he bit his lip to prevent himself swearing, it was one of the few house rules that no one swear in front of Nagi and no bringing hostages home- they made a terrible mess.

"That's it." Crawford said, looking around. "feck the lot of you, I'm going drinking." He looked around the room one last time, "and feck Christmas."

Aya answered his cell with a grunt. "I'll meet you there." He turned to the rest of Weiss, "I'm going out, none of you are coming with me, make sure Yohji doesn't kill himself. I won't kill myself until I kill Takatori." He then went to go up the stairs.

"Aya," Ken began, a bit worried to talk to Aya with the mood he was in. "But the door's downstairs."

"I am getting changed, Ken," Aya said in a slow patient manner, "I have been working in the flower shop all day and I smell of poinsettas, I'm going to change and then I am going out to meet my katana instructor. I will be back later, any other questions before I kill you all and send parts of your bodies to members of Esset with golden bows on, and the expensive gift tags Omi bought."

"Really Aya, you should do something about your stress level." Omi said.

"Ichi, ni, san," Aya said as he walked up the stairs, he closed his bedroom door on Kyuu.

Crawford looked up when Aya entered the bar, he was sitting quietly getting more and more tense as people about him were more and more happy and more full of the joy of the season. People cleared away from Aya as he walked through the bar, then when he saw Crawford he gave a tight smile, a smile that suggested he was glad to see him but would much rather spend his free time carving something fleshy and annoying, like possibly Balinese.

"I got you a drink." Crawford said as Aya leant over to kiss him on the cheek before sliding into the booth next to him. "I figured if your day was like mine, you needed it."

Aya looked at the small glass that was full of some kind of liquor and cola, and then knocked it back and called over the waiter to ask for another. "Don't even go there, I tried to explain the rules for Christmas and they laughed at me, there is no respect, and then I instigated the buddy system like Kritiker suggested, to stop them killing themselves over Christmas, and Yohji came on to me." He sounded like he was about to weep rather than explode. "And now Omi thinks I'm stressed." He looked at his boyfriend. "It's just so hard."

"Schuldig thought I said Kokomo and was all up to go to the bahamas and then Farfarello started crying and the only one of them in any way sane is Nagi, so I started swearing and walked out." Crawford joined in with the commiseration. "I'm half convinced I should just buy them the tickets and send them to the bahamas, but then Nagi would cry and I would be the villain, and because I'm going to yours on Christmas eve, and I'm happy to spend Christmas eve with you, I'm going to be missing the Evil Incorporated Christmas party and I'll hear that throughout the new year."

Aya downed the second of the drinks the waiter put in front of him. "I say screw the lot of them, if it wouldn't make Omi cry I'd say screw Schuldig and you and me run off to the Bahamas." He frowned, "I bloody hate Christmas."

"Me too," Crawford admitted, "the shopping, do you know I came this close," he pressed his thumb to his forefinger, "to shooting this nasty little salesman in Shibuya today because I was trying to buy a Christmas present for your sister."

At that Aya veritably melted, his lip quivered and then he flung his arms around him and kissed his over and over on the face. "Thank you," he said, "thank you, thank you, thank you." He punctuated his words with kisses over his cheeks and forehead. "No one ever remembers Aya." Crawford kept quiet, it had been Nagi that remembered Aya not him. He just tilted Aya's head and kissed him properly. No one in the bar noticed, Crawford was convinced that half of them thought Aya was a woman and the other half were checking him out. Aya looked fantastic, he had pulled on a pair of tight dirty blue jeans and a white shirt that was open at the collar and cuffs. "I'll rearrange the buddy system," he murmured in Crawford's ear, his deep voice hot in his hear, "I'll be your buddy over Christmas, and that way we can go together to the Evil Incorporated Christmas party."

"I thought of the absolute best Christmas present ever." Crawford murmured back, his arms around Aya's waist, "not yet, but I have decided to let you kill Takatori, I'd be in serious trouble to help, but soon," he murmured into Aya's hair, "I always knew you'd kill him, I saw it, but I could stop it." Aya kissed him again, his hands making obscure designs on his back, up under his jacket. "You're going to have to stop that." He said, pulling away somewhat unwillingly. "But I'll be your buddy." Aya was not letting go in any way. "And I have a little something for you under the tree."

Aya took another mouthful of the liquor. "Maybe I have something under the tree for you." It was an obvious euphemism and Crawford swallowed, then taking a mouthful of his own whiskey. "Are you going to get drunk and sing to me?" He asked softly, Aya was very rarely this affectionate.

"It's snowing." Someone shouted, and the crowd moved to the door.

Crawford took Aya's hand in his, "follow me." He said. He pulled him across the emptied dance floor to the fire escape.

"Won't we get in trouble?" Aya asked shyly as he pushed open the door.

Crawford only smiled as he stepped out into the snow.

The roof to the night-club was flat and here and there were fake gargoyles. He took Aya's hands in his as he looked up at the few snow flakes. "Omi will be in the alley screaming and dancing like a fairy."

"Enough talking about Omi," Crawford said.

"I bet Nagi will be doing the same." Aya added.

Crawford's face softened a little. "He has barely seen snow." He admitted, "but this is probably the last time we can be alone till after Christmas."

Aya stole a soft kiss, "Dance with me." He said, taking Crawford's hands and placing on one his shoulder and the other on his hip, "and sing for me, I really like it when you get drunk and sing to me."

"You're not wearing a wire are you?" Crawford asked.

Aya looked offended.

"Come on, I live with Schwarz, if they asked me they would be wearing a wire."

"Lets make our own music, I want to dance with you." Aya said, pressing up against him.

"Sing with me." Crawford said, unsure what else to do under the pressure of Aya's violet gaze and repeated pressure he began to sing, "Night time sharpens, heightens each sensation, Darkness stirs and wakes imagination, Silently the senses abandon their defences." And Aya melted into his arms as they danced in the snow.

Author's note

Feck: For those of you have read AA&W baby you'll know Farfarello is a huge fan of Father Ted and because Channel 4 wouldn't let them have Father Jack (my Far's life model) swear so he says Feck, it kept it nicely PG and I just stole it, if I didn't admit it in the story it would be plagiarism I stole it that bad, and believe me, for those of you who haven't seen it Far would love it, it's about three priests who live together on an island and is one iota short of complete and utter blasphemy. Lets just say "go straight to Hell, do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars" should be printed on the DVD box, however it is also very funny.

Learning Japanese with Seraphim Grace. Dai Nikka (Lesson 2)

Ichi, ni, san - Aya is actually counting, it means 1,2,3. Kyuu is 9.


	3. Shopping with Schuldig

Part 3

* * *

Schuldig was sitting on the couch with a bowl of cereal when Crawford got up. "And what time did you get in last night, young man?" He asked in what he assumed to be a rather good impression of a father finding out his son had come in way past curfew. Having never suffered this he forgot to add the blood curdling glare and he sounded more fond than homicidal. It kind of ruined the whole effect that he didn't even look at him when he said it.

"Feck off, Schuldig." Crawford said. "I'm older than you, and perfectly capable of staying up past sun down."

"And who was the lucky lady, might I ask?"

"None of your damn business." Crawford answered pouring himself a cup of coffee.

"Ah, so there was a lady." Schuldig said with a grin, "do tell. The last date you had was with the geisha Murasakiiro, and we all know how that turned out."

"Schuldig, remember when I threatened to bake you in a pie." Crawford said over his coffee cup, "I got the recipe off the internet."

"Yes, well," Schuldig said getting up and putting his bowl down on the coffee table, "Me and Far are going shopping, as we now have to buy presents for some goodie two shoes if we're staying, so, we'll be back later."

"And don't forget Nagi this year." Crawford said pouring himself another cup of coffee as Schuldig murmured "verdammt" under his breath in a way that suggested that he had forgotten Nagi.

* * *

In the centre of Shibuya all of Tokyo appeared to be doing their shopping for Christmas, as there were 4 shopping days left, and like Schuldig no one had thought to buy anything. "Crawford's easy," he said to Farfarello who was trailing behind him, he was wearing a rather loud woollen sweater with a wintry scene of cottages on it with his jeans and a vibrant red and green striped scarf with holly on it. When Schuldig had seen it he had confirmed beyond any shadow of a doubt that Farfarello was mad, anyone who willingly wore that had to be. "We'll get him some wine and some truffles."

"We could get him Abyssinian." Farfarello noticed, "we could strip him, paint him gold and stick a bow on his…"

"Far." Schuldig said scandalised,

"Katana." He finished.

"Besides I don't think Crawford would appreciate that gift." Schuldig said stepping into a large department store, "if someone gift wrapped Weiss for me to kill I don't think I'd want them near any sharp objects." He started to chew on a fingernail as he thought, "look, buying for the Weiss chibi will be easy, we'll get him some plushie and some glitter lip gloss or something, its the same as for a seven year old girl. And Hidaka's easy as well, we go to that sport shop and get him a jersey or something, which leaves Yohji."

"Liquor." Farfarello said, "win win then, you can share it with him."

"And Abyssinian." They both growled, "and what do you want?" Farfarello grinned at him in a way that suggested that if he thought about it then it would be quite obvious what to buy him. "And, k'so, Nagi."

Farfarello looked at a stand in the shop and picked up a Simpson's Novelty mug that said "Eat my Shorts dude," every time it was turned on it's side. Schuldig looked around the shop pretending not to be with him.

At the other end of the floor there was a large gathering of bored looking parents and excited sugar infested children queueing patiently to enter a garden shed with Christmas lights festooned around it, "1000 yen to see Santa." He muttered darkly, "now that is evil." Then he smiled as something occurred to him. "Hey, Far, you thinking what I'm thinking."

"What we conk Santa over the head, I steal his clothes and we ask the kids what they want and then buy that for Nagi?"

Schuldig looked at him in surprise. "No," he said, "but I like your idea better."

After a short interlude involving a Santa having a cigarette break and a glass of imported Christmas cheer (there was no milk and cookies for this Santa), Farfarello and a rather heavy lawn ornaments with a few whispers of "I think you've killed him." And "well we are evil assassins," whispered back Farfarello straightened his Santa hat, decided to forego the Santa beard (because the man they had knocked out had actually grown one) and sat down on the cushioned throne inside the garden shed that was parading as Santa's grotto. "Now what do you want little girl?"

The little girl who happened to be at the front of the queue was dressed in pink gingham with ribbons in her hair, she was missing one of her front teeth and was holding her mother's hand for grim death, her mother was happily taking photos of her precious little angel meeting father Christmas. She looked at Farfarello and his rather strange Christmas elf, who happened to be leaning up against the grotto wall picking at his nails, with rather dayglo orange hair and no pointy ears and then she pouted. "You're not santa." She said. "Santa has a beard."

"I shaved." Farfarello answered.

"And Santa has two eyes." She said firmly.

"I lost one in a freak reindeer accident." Farfareelo answered.

"And your elf doesn't have pointy ears."

"All the better to hear you with, my dear." Schuldig drawled from where he leant against the grotto wall. "Now if you don't mind, we're on a schedule, hop unto Santa's lap like a good little ingrate and tell him what you want?"

"I want a pony." The girl said firmly.

"Pony's die when you stuff them down the chimney." Farfarello said with what sounded like the voice of experience. The mother mouthed "thank you."

"Then I don't like you Santa." She walked up to Farfarello and kicked him quite solidly in the shin.

"And you've been a very naughty girl," Farfarello said rubbing his leg, "and you'll be lucky if I stop at your house and give you a lump of coal. Now feck off."

The second child was a boy in camouflage gear, he hopped unto Farfarello's lap. "I wanna BB gun and pellets and a target and a gun and."

"You'll put your eyes out with that," Farfarello answered, "wouldn't it be more fun to play scrabble." There was no way they were buying Nagi any kind of projectile weapon, and this kid's parents probably didn't want to get him one anyway. "Scrabble's a great game," he knew he'd bought it for Nagi and then proceeding to eat all the E squares. The boy hopped off Farfarello's knee and then kicked him in the shins as he walked off.

The next child was a little girl who happened to be as cute as a button, with blonde hair that was twisted into two braids, and she was dressed exclusively in pink. "Why you sad, Santa, your face is all red and pouty, is it too warm for you?" Farfarello wanted to strangle her as she clambered on his lap.

"No, dear." Schuldig said from the side, "Santa's face is red because he's full of Christmas cheer and love for all the kiddies." The girl threw her arms about Santa and hugged him tight.

"Now what do you want for Christmas?"

"World peace." The girl answered, "I want the world to stop all wars and be happy and peaceful because I am a pacifist."

"You are a precocious little minx." Farfarello corrected, "now what do you really want for Christmas." She leaned up and whispered it in his ear. "A Barbie deluxe dream house with pink limousine. I think that can be arranged."

"Thank you, Santa," she beamed kissing him on the cheek. Then climbed down and kicked him on the shin, "that's for calling me a minx."

The next child was a little heavy set boy in a woollen coat with mittens on strings hanging down either sleeve and a scarf that only revealed his eyes and fringe to the world, he went to jump up but Farfarello stopped him. "You'll break my legs, lad, and although I'd like nothing more I do need to be fit for Christmas eve," he said, "now what do you want to be for Christmas?"

"Puh-puh-puh-pretty." the boy stammered.

"Well you are certainly unfortunate in the looks department, aren't you kid?" Schuldig said dryly.

The kid started wailing and kicked Farfarello in the shin before running off. Schuldig shrugged.

A tall blonde lad of about Nagi's age worked his way through the crowd. "Who's the git that called my sister a minx?" He said, he was tall and slender with a shock of platinum blonde hair and wore a long grey coat. He was a very pretty boy and there was an air of violence about him, in fact the boy looked like he had a great future about him in Evil Incorporated. "I'll punch his bloody lights out." A line of people pointed at Santa.

Schuldig smiled.

"Suddenly" the boy said his eyes glazing over, "I feel the sudden need to tell Santa what I want for Christmas." He walked over and sat on Farfarello's knee. "Halo 2. I want Halo 2, and a meccano set. Yes, I want Halo 2 and a meccano set." Farfarello's grin was truly frightening to behold. Two gifts for Nagi, one for each of them and he was sure that Omi wouldn't mind a Barbie deluxe dream house with matching pink limousine.

"There." The man in his boxer shorts said to the security guards beside him as he pointed at Farfarello, "those are the guys that hit me over the head and stole my costume."

"Duh-duh-duh-Dad," the heavyset boy with the stammer said, "that's the wuh-wuh-wuh-one." The group of Yakuza looked at Schuldig, then Farfarello looked at Schuldig and still holding the teenaged boy by the arm went to make a break for it.

"They're kidnapping him." The precocious little minx shouted loudly, "Milliardo!"

Farfarello said the only word you really can say in a situation like that. "Feck."

* * *

Author's Note

Learn German with Seraphim Grace: Lesson 1

Verdammt- loosely translated this means dammit.

However for those of you who speak German, mein deutsche is grosse sheise und ist nichts gut.

But I swear in it quite fluently.

I know it's not funny to throw the Peacecrafts in, but all the AA&W have a strange cameo appearances (baby's just hasn't been posted yet) and well, I bet you didn't see this one coming, I didn't.


	4. Starting Christmas dinner

Part 4

* * *

Crawford looked at the two penitent members of Schwartz and then just shook his head. He had listened patiently to their tales of the horror of their shopping expedition. He looked at the gathered shopping bags at their feet and shook his head. He looked at the tall blonde boy that they had managed to bring with them and just burst out laughing.

They said it had started because they didn't know what to buy for Nagi, so they came to the conclusion that if they dressed like santa they could ask kids his age what he wanted, but they were swamped with seven year old girls which meant that they could thinks of lots of things for Bombay, and then the boy came up and he had given them some ideas, under telepathic persuasion, but then security and the yakuza had started chasing them, but they didn't know why, so they ran off their with their shopping, hijacked a taxi at gunpoint, and without stopping long enough to think of releasing the boy had come home.

Schuldig even had the cheek to say that it was "hell out there," in Shibuya, which obviously didn't reflect on the fact that they had insulted a Yakuza boss' pride and joy and only son, assaulted santa and kidnapped the son of the vice foreign minister.

"You're grounded." He said finally, "if you're behaving like children I'll treat you like children, and I'll take Milliardo here home."

"You mean we don't have to go to the Koneko for Christmas?" fArfarello said excitedly.

"What this means," Crawford enunciated every word, "is you have to go, but you're not going to the Evil Incorporated Christmas party, and I'm starting a buddy system, currently each member of Weiss is paired with another to prevent murder and mayhem, I'm going to speak to Abyssinian and go one up on that, I'm going to pair you each with your Weiss counterpart." He looked at the two of them and then at the bags of shopping at their feet. "Now come along, Milliardo, I'll take you home."

"I want Halo 2 and a Meccano set." Milliardo said quite clearly.

"Hmmm," Crawford said clearly. "Hmmm, indeed."

"Hey, Mill," Nagi said from the door, he had his kitten in his arms, when he was at home and not attached to his computer, like Satsuki in X, the cat was in his arms. "not that I mind but why are you here?"

"I want Halo 2 and a Meccano set." Milliardo said, obviously a little confused that that was all he could say.

A pair of large and dangerous eyes fixed on Schuldig, who started yelping and moving his hair in the direction his hair was being pulled by invisible hands. "Itai, itai. I'll let him go."

Milliardo blinked, once, twice and then a third, time, then he punched Schuldig in the face.

* * *

Meanwhile in the Koneko, "come any closer and I'll turn you all into shish kebabs." AYa said waving his katana about warningly in the kitchen door. "It's not Christmas yet, you can't have any."

"But Aya," Omi whined, making his eyes very large and vulnerable. "It smells so good."

Yohji and Ken were whispering. "Don't you dare try to distract me either. I have eyes in the back of my head. This ham is for Christmas and any attempts to get near it earlier will result in Weiss burgers. I am sleeping in the kitchen until Christmas morning." He looked at the three of them again, "and I have start of the art surveillance here just in case. Now I have made sandwiches, they are in the parlour." He looked at them again. "go."

They took combat positions. A thin reedy female voice came from the window, "OOOOOMMMMMMIIIII!"

Omi ducked under the table like he'd been shot. "Argh," he murmured, "Ouka."

"I told you not to flank me," Aya said, "I obviously had no choice.

"OOOOOOMMMMMIIIII!" Ouka repeated.

"Aren't you going to let her in, Ken?" Aya asked with a smile.

"That's just cruel." Yohji said trying to look insouciant, unlike the other two who just looked terrified.

"Aya," Omi managed from under the occasional table, "She's Takatori's daughter." He stammered out, "it would really hurt him to hurt her." He sounded desperate.

For a second Aya looked torn. "I'm not falling for it."

"OOOOOMMMMMIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" She squealed again.

"I might," Yohji said, "that girl is scary."

"I'm not leaving the ktichen." Aya said, "and you're not getting anywhere near my honey roasted hickory ham, even if there is a banshee at the door, she isn't asking for me anyway."

As if on cue a second voice joined the fray, "AAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAA!" They looked at Aya.

"That could just be Ouka screaming in pain." He answered calmly.

"OOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!" One voice yelled. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!" The other joined in.

Then there was a loud bang like a gunshot followed by girly screaming and all four of them gave a sigh of relief. Ken was the first to comment, "shouldn't we feel a little guilty that one of our neighbours had to shoot at them?"

"Certainly not." Aya said, "If we weren't the good guys," he said, "We would have done it." They all nodded ruefully agreeing with them. "Now get the hell out of my kitchen. This is for Christmas, and it's the nineteenth, go away." Then he slammed the door.

Yohji opened the door to the two most normal members of Schwartz. "We heard screaming," Crawford said barging past.

"And you came all the way over here for that, you live like halfway across the city?" Yohji seemed to think that this was a valid point.

"No," Nagi said, "we were outside and there were these weird shrieking creatures carrying these." He pressed the two small delicately wrapped boxes into Yohji's arms, "so we shot at them and they ran away."

Yohji looked a little startled then threw his arms around Nagi and hugged him tight. "Can I keep you?" He asked, "you're so little and evil, we can swap you for Ken, you're so kawaii."

"What are you up to, Balinese?" Crawford said pulling Yohji away by the back of his neck.

"Aya's locked himself in the kitchen, and he called Ouka to keep Omi busy, and then we called Sakura to distract him, but we've been stuck in the house for like five minutes, and my cigarettes are in the kitchen and I can't get them, but now I can go to the shop." Yohji explained, he was beaming with happiness.

"I think I'll go home," Crawford said, "You're as mad as they are. I only came for some flowers to give to the Vice Foreign minister as an apology for accidentally kidnapping his son." Yohji raised an exquisitely sculpted golden eyebrow in a querying look "It wasn't me, it was tweedle dum and tweedle dummer."

The door to the kitchen opened, "I need help with getting the christmas cake down, you two, come here." The look Aya gave both Crawford and Nagi was genuinely scary. "Crawford, you can watch the door to keep the rest of them out of my kitchen."

* * *

Author's note:

This chapter is probably full of typos but it wasn't done on my usual computer and the spell checker is bust and my lovely beta is somewhere warm this christmas so, sorry peeps, you just have to cope with it.

Sorry it took so long, my muse is telling me to work on Lord of Death, I might have another one for you later as long as I'm feeling so productive

And forthe Chaotic Ones, Deutsche is German


	5. A christmas goose, laced with juju

Part 5

* * *

'Twas the night before the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse, however Momoe's cat was looking very pleased with itself. The main reason for this was Aya's recently tricked out security system, he had combined hi-tech with low tech, lasers cross the kitchen door as well a string tied to his toe, just in case. Three previous attempts had been foiled to keep Ken away from the strudel, and keeping Yohji away from the extremely alcoholic Christmas cake was more like guerrilla warfare, Omi at least just tried to come in the window.

Aya had too much on his mind to sleep. He was keeping one eye on everything happening around him in case someone tried to sneak in, working out if he had made enough popcorn strings, whether Omi's ability to smell presents had kept him from the secret trapdoor in the mission room where Aya had stashed his, he wondered whether inviting all of Schwartz was a good idea, he knew Crawford and Nagi were fine, but the other two were a bit of a risk, and only that letting Nagi sleep over was a bit risky with how close he and Omi were now.

He was looking forward to seeing Crawford again, he loved how his kisses tasted of cinnamon, and how strong he was. When he held Aya it felt like he was never safer, like no one could ever harm him. The smell of his cologne made Aya's mouth water, and the fondness that he laughed whilst he sang to him. That he sang to him meant the world to Aya. Everyone else thought him rude and abrasive, but Crawford just cut straight through that, and his nervousness and didn't care. He adored Aya and that was all that mattered to him.

He was taking him to the Evil Incorporated Christmas party when he had said that none of the rest of Schwartz were allowed to go. He had no idea what to wear, should he dress up or down, was it a tuxedo affair? Had Crawford said his date was going to be a man? Or had Crawford said that his date was a member of Weiss? Would they like him? Or would they try and shoot him? Should he go in disguise, should he tell Crawford those things? Crawford would understand, wouldn't he? Should he phone and ask? He stood up and went to walk to the phone, but the string tied around his toe tangled around the leg of his chair and he fell flat on his face.

The morning of Christmas Eve dawned clear and bright. Aya was wide eyed and wary, and grumpy in the way only the terminally sleep deprived can be. No one had tried to enter the kitchen, not even Momoe's fat and lazy cat that seemed to show up from time to time. He looked at the list of things that he had to do, and he had no one he could trust to stay out of things. He had to go to the store and collect the goose that he'd ordered, he had to go to his own secret safe house to fetch the spare Christmas pudding and the stollen that Weiss didn't know they were getting. He had to get ready for his date.

"Morning," Omi slurred as he went to walk into the kitchen and promptly tripped on the trip wire and set all manner of bells and whistles off. Aya looked at him suspiciously, "Aya, it's six in the morning!" He protested, "I want porridge and tea," he was almost whining. "Not short cake and strudel."

"Who said there was short cake?" Aya asked with his hands on his hips, "hmmm?"

"Just give me the tea, I have to open the shop in like an hour and a half and there are all these orders to do."

Aya reached into the cupboard and pulled down the porridge oats pouring them into a pan to start cooking the porridge. "I have to go out today, Omi, to pick up the goose and a few other things, I need you to make sure no one goes in the kitchen, nevertheless I have booby trapped all the relevant cupboards."

"Aya, get a shower." Omi grumbled into his tea cup as he waited impatiently for the kettle to boil, "you smell like Christmas." He took a deep breath, "kind of like mince pies and brandy."

Aya lifted his orange sweater to smell himself, "okay, maybe I do."

"And when was the last time you slept?" Omi asked as he poured his porridge into a bowl.

"The eighteenth," he answered calmly, "about the same time I started cooking."

"And we started living on take out." Omi said, "go have a shower, take a nap, I promise no one will get into your Christmas cupboards till tomorrow."

"But," Aya started to protested.

"Aya Fujimiya, go up those stairs and shower and sleep, otherwise you'll look a mess in the morning and Santa won't leave you anything." He smiled as he spooned up a lump of porridge and blew on it, "and besides haven't you got that date with Crawford this evening?"

"It's not a date." Aya managed to growl out, though it definitely was.

"Ja ne," Omi said with a shrug, "normally I'd just bench you from missions, but Christmas isn't a mission, honest, go have a sleep and then Ken and I will decorate the tree before you go to pick up the goose."

Aya showered and then slid into his long neglected bed. Normally he had terrible trouble sleeping but he had no sooner set his alarm clock for six hours and put his head back down than he was asleep.

* * *

He awoke pleasantly refreshed to the strains of Slade's_ "I wish it could be Christmas everyday_," on the radio to which he politely added Bah humbug.

He dressed quickly and efficiently, and his eyes settled on a cedar case at the bottom of the wardrobe and he had an idea, he had what he considered a very good idea. He would mention it to Crawford who he was sure would agree. Yes, he thought to himself, it was a very good idea indeed.

He pulled on a thick winter over coat and went down the stairs, true to his word Omi had decorated the tree with the popcorn strings that Aya had made, and no one appeared to be wearing paint so they had stayed out of his cupboards. "I'm going to get the goose." He called to them as he walked past the flower shop door, there appeared to be more screaming inside than usual.

Aya looked at the butcher. The butcher looked back. Aya looked at the goose. The goose looked back. "I'm sure I ordered a dead one." He said finally.

"No sir," the butcher said looking at his clip board, "You ordered a fresh one." The goose honked in it's basket at him. "You do know how to kill it, sir, I mean if you don't have the nerve, one of the boys can do it." Aya ran over his options, because of his date with Crawford he didn't have time to kill, pluck and gut a goose. One of the others would have to do it. He hid a smile under his favourite dour expression, one of the others would have to do it, they were all assassins, surely they could manage to kill one little bird.

* * *

Schwartz arrived at the house exactly on time, looking for all the world like recalcitrant children led by Crawford and Nagi, who looked bored more than anything, with a stuffed grey donkey in his arms and his overnight bag over his shoulder. Crawford, on the other hand, looked harried. Ken let them in but watched them carefully as crawford put the pile of boxes under the tree being sure to keep one in his pocket. Aya-Chan's present didn't need to go under the tree.

Several hours later, Crawford and Aya had left to get ready for their "date" although both denied vigorously, in public, that it was a date, at the Schwartz safe house. The remaining members of Weiss and Schwartz, minus Omi and Nagi who had decided it was too traumatic, had gathered together in love and unity to kill the Christmas goose.

Ken looked at the goose, the goose looked back. "I can't do it." He said, unhooking his bugnuks.

"Oh for crying out loud." Schuldig said pressing forward, "I'll do it." He lifted a kitchen knife. The goose looked at him. He lifted it a little higher. "Okay, I can't do it."

Yohji rolled his eyes. "For god's sake." Farfarello glared at him. The goose looked at him and honked a little. "I can't do it either. And it's too late to go out and get another one, one of us has to do it."

"I don't know." Farfarello said, trying to grab the goose around his head, "Abyssinian was right, if you want a job doing, aargghh" The goose bit him. "Why you god obeying piece of." A knife flashed out from nowhere, the goose's head made a perfect arc as it sliced through the air.

The headless goose stumbled to its feet and started barrelling forward. "Aaargh," Schuldig said jumping up unto the table, "trust abyssinian to put voodoo juju on his goose."

Yohji joined him in seconds as Ken ran around the room screaming closely chased by the zombie goose. Farfarello just rolled his eyes.

"Hey guys." Omi said from the door. Then he saw the goose. "Aargh, Aya said kill it, not let it run around with no head on."

"They do that," Nagi said, "that's why you break their neck not cut their heads off."

"And you couldn't tell us this before." Yohji said pulling his legs up to his chest, Farfarello had found refuge on the kitchen counter.

"You didn't ask." The goose was now running on the spot, obviously thanks to Nagi's telekinesis. "It'll stop in a moment and then you can pluck it." He smiled. "Omi and I are just going for a walk."

"I'll come with you," Farfarello said hopping down and walking around the kitchen with his back pressed to the counter. "Have fun boys."

* * *

Author's Note:

NO REAL ANIMALS WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS FAN FICTION.

I know so many people that behave like Aya, setting up a perimeter defence in the kitchen and screaming "it's for christmas" whilst you try to make yourself a cup of tea. My mother comes to mind, she's like Delia Smith on speed, making her own christmas cards and popcorn strings and the goose story, oh it is so happened like that.

Aya and Crawford's date is the next chapter, and then one more, hey, what do you know, I might get this finished by the end of the xmas holidays,

A joke that half inspired the exact workings of the goose sequence.

_A man goes into a fish restaurant and sits next to a giant aquarium, after a while the maitre'd comes over to ask if he's made his mind up what he wants. The man explains he hasn't even seen a menu. The maitre'd explains that to preserve the freshness of the fish they catch it from the aquarium, kill it at your table and then cook it for you. The man then explains that he wants calimari so he will have the squid._

_The maitre'd calls over Gervais the french chef, who comes out and it is explained to him that the gentleman wants the squid, so Gervais rolls up his sleeve and fishes it out, slamming it down on the table. "Ugh," the man says, I'm not eating that, it's got a moustache." Gervais says not to worry, they'll skin it anyway._

_So he lifts the mallet to kill it and the squid makes a funny squeak, he lifts it higher, the squid squeaks again. "I can't do it," Gervais says._

_Not a problem, the maitre'd says, we'll get Hans the German exchange student that does the dishes. So he calls out for Hans and explains that the gentleman would like the squid but that Gervais hasn't the nerve to kill it. Hans lifts the mallet, the squid squeaks, he lifts the mallet higher, the squid squeaks again, he lifts the mallet as high as he can, the squid squeaks._

"_I can't do it," Hans says._

"_Well," the man says, "it proves that Hans that do dishes can feel soft as Gervais, with mild scream furry lip squid."_

_Explanations will be posted for those that ask nicely._


	6. The evil incorporated christmas party

Part 6

* * *

The Evil Incorporated Christmas party

* * *

Aya appraised himself in the mirror and felt the satisfied pride of a job well done. He wore a kimono the colour of butterfly dust and the detailing done in real silver thread, his hair was bound back with a cloth that he had taken from the Okiya when he left, and a wide ribbon around his throat was of that same silver fabric, his obi, however, was plain heavy grey velvet embroidered with small delicate flowers in white thread. Crawford knocked before he entered his own bedroom to see Aya dressed in front of the mirror pressing down the silk so it lay flat against his thighs. "How do I look?" He asked.

"Like a goddess," Crawford said, "you look as beautiful as you did the very first time I saw you, Murasakiiro." There was a lump in his throat as he looked at Aya. He couldn't miss the smudge of pale violet shadow that Aya had put around his eyes or the tiny dark red swathe on his mouth that was almost exactly the same shade as his hair. "Someday I will let you know just how beautiful you are."

"You know that you're pretty handsome like that." Crawford was wearing an impeccable tuxedo, something that Takatori could never force him into, with a white tie, the sort that European aristocracy wore to the opera. Aya gave a wicked little smile, "do you know no one will know that we didn't go." he sat in such a way that he parted the hem of his kimono to show his long white legs through a very fine gauze like mist. They were crossed over and he leant back on his hands in a very provocative manner.

"Schuldig was right," Crawford said, "we do have to go, or Schwartz will have no standing next year when it comes to the Evil Incorporated Elections, but we don't have to stay long." He leant down to nuzzle at Aya's cheek, "You could have gone as yourself, you know, no one would care that you're a man."

Aya frowned, "it wasn't that that bothered me," he said taking a deep breath of Crawford's aftershave, "it was the concept that they would recognise me as a member of Weiss."

That close Crawford was almost overwhelmed with Aya's perfume, it smelt of orange and myrrh, and something he didn't recognise. He felt like he could eat him up in a single swallow. Maybe Aya had a point about not going to the party. In the months since Kyoto they were yet to consummate their relationship, sure Aya was more than willing, in fact some would suggest as far as desperate, but Crawford was nervous and unwilling to take that last step. "But I really want to show you off." Crawford said, finding the very last strand of his self control.

Aya kissed him. "If you're sure." He said softly, rubbing the back of Crawford's hand with his thumb. "If you're sure."

Crawford's voice was squeaky when he answered, "I'm sure."

* * *

The restaurant chosen for the Evil Incorporated Christmas party was not decorated festively. Many famous names from the Tokyo underworld mingled with business men feared the world over. Trophy wives were congregated by the punch bowl flattering each other about the labels they wore. Somewhere a sound system was playing non religious Christmas music of the type that Farfarello favoured. As soon as Aya entered the room he felt that every evil eye was upon him. A man in a white satin suit and purple silk shirt, which complemented perfectly with his blonde hair and strange facial piercing (1). "Crawford," he said, gathering Crawford in a manly hug, "we were beginning to wonder if you weren't going to show, but instead you bring us the most beautiful woman in Japan. Is this the lovely Murasakiiro that all of Kyoto was abuzz about."

Crawford gave a fake laugh, "you've been talking to Muraki."

"He's over there," The Yakuza said, looking for all the world like an evil Derek Zoolander, "talking to Sesshomaru"(2), he pointed over, "that's him next to Akito Sohma (3).

"I must remember to thank him for his gift, even if it was gifted in return to Nagi as I simply lacked the time to give it the time it deserved." Murasakiiro said with a gracious smile. The yakuza looked surprised and more than a little baffled. "Doctor Muraki gave me a kitten," she explained, "but lacking time to give it the love it needs I gave it to Prodigy knowing he would need something to love him unconditionally."

"Oh," he said, "speaking of which, where's the rest of you?" He looked around, "these parties never get swinging until Schuldig shows up."

"Food poisoning." Crawford lied smoothly, "I've told him many times not to eat sea food out of a vending machine, and Nagi wanted the spend the night with his boyfriend so Far's out with them. It's just me this year."

"So like Nox," Muraki said sidling along to stand beside them, "always alone at the last, it is the great curse of evil that we must always stand alone. Glad to see you here, Murasakiiro, I had heard dire news of you in Kyoto." (4)

Murasakiiro smiled her most gracious and beautiful smile, "and I'm glad to see that that huge explosion in Kyoto didn't kill you, sensei." It only sounded slightly sarcastic. "I do not see your usual guest with you this evening." She looked around the room for the man with eyes the same colour as hers, but he was no where to be seen.

"He is yet to learn that I still live," Muraki explained, "although he suspects. And how is the kitten that I gave you?"

Murasakiiro quickly explained the fate of the kitten, of how she was unable to care for it properly and so had given it to Nagi who adored it, which made Crawford happy which made her happy, so she was grateful. Muraki excused himself after insisting that he had to have at least one dance with her. Crawford smiled and led her out unto the floor as the women gathered around the punchbowl were whispering amongst themselves. One of them distanced herself from the group and walked towards them. "Mind if I cut in?"

Murasakiiro gave her the darkest filthiest glare she could manage, a glare that in her other guise would have been considered a full factor five Shi-ne glare. It rolled off her back like water on a duck. "Yes, actually I do." She grated out in the Takatori Shi ne tone.

The woman smiled, "It's not you I want to dance with, Sakura." The woman answered in the same cold as ice tone.

"That's not my name." Murasakiiro managed taking Crawford by the hand. "and it's not even the correct insulting name for a geisha." she said. "And what are you wearing?" she looked her up and down, "I'm sure the label is meant to say Armani but actually says R Marney."

The woman, who was actually quite lovely, had long black hair that fell more than half way down her thighs, her arms were crossed under a pair of very large breasts and her dress was cut to show off that expanse. She had a pair of very large, very dark eyes. "Yes well," the woman said, "and poor little geisha girl dressed like an ash girl, is it specially for Christmas."

"Kanoe!" (5) A man came up, he had short black hair and wore heavy shades. "This is hardly the time for such conflicts. Crawford." The man bowed to him.

"Seishiiro." (6) Crawford acknowledged, "Miss Kanoe." He bowed at her. "I would rather that you didn't insult my date, one must not forget the past of the country, and Murasakiiro-sama is witty beyond the sense that you have interrupted us. Saki-chan, would you like something to drink?"

"Certainly Brad-san." Murasakiiro, nor Aya, ever called him Brad, but this was obviously marking territory in front of another dominant woman, and he was a little too scared to contradict her. Murasakiiro had also loosened the hem of her kimono so it showed her legs as she walked across the room, making sure that every single pair of male eyes was watching the long lean white lengths of her thighs. "Might I have a shot of brandy?

After several hours and three more conflicts with Kanoe Aya returned to the Koneko, steaming drunk and more possessive of Crawford than he had thought possible. "I want," Aya said sitting across Crawford's lap and whispering the rest of that sentence into Crawford's ear, "that'll make it a very happy Christmas."

"Yes," Crawford stammered out, "but you're so drunk." He said, "and you might regret it in the morning. If you even remember it. You kissed Muraki." Crawford said, keen that he wanted Aya to remember that, "and Seishiiro had his hand on your ass, never mind where Sesshomaru had his hands. If you want this I want you to remember it."

Aya stuck his tongue out. "It's Christmas." He protested, and then grinned, slipped his hands into Crawford's shirt and kissing him senseless. When he pulled back Crawford's mouth was covered in lipstick and he was painfully aware of the length of Aya's thighs against his own as Aya put his head on his chest. "Mistletoe." He murmured. Crawford ran his hands over Aya's back for several minutes before he realised that Aya had fallen asleep.

"Merry Christmas, my Abyssinian."

* * *

Author's note:

Ah the punchline to my terrible joke, although it is completely inoffensive despite being so absolutely dire.

In Britain there is a type of dish detergent called "Fairy Liquid," which for years had the slogan "hands that do dishes can feel soft as your face, with mild green fairy liquid" now read the punch-line again out loud this time, and you'll get it.

1. I have forgotten this Character's name, but it's the actor Tadanobu Asano from Koroshiya Ichi.

2. I've never seen Inuyasha but I have seen Sesshomaru- how cool can a villain get?

3. Fruits basket, god I called him names all the way through that.

4.Literature lessons with Seraphim Grace. Nox and Lux existed in the beginning, but then Lux (or light) separated into the incarnations (god, the devil, fate, time, death, war, and nature) but Nox resisted and that's why bad guys are always alone and good guys almost always come in groups of seven. - This can be applied to WK, think about it Weiss 4, 2 secretaries, and Persia.

5.Kanoe from X/1999

6.The Sakurazukamori from Tokyo Babylon (and X/1999)


	7. No, Santa hasn't come yet

Part 7

* * *

Christmas morning.

* * *

Aya woke up in his bed with no real idea of how he got there, but comfortable, warm with a pair of strong warm arms wrapped about him. He had no idea what had woken him until he distinctly heard a female voice say "You scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot, happy Christmas my arse, I'm glad it's our last1." Muttering a curse under his breath he slammed his hand down on the offending clock radio, noting the time was ungodly early, and then turned back into Crawford's arms and his broad inviting chest. Why on earth, he thought, had he set his alarm for four thirty when he knew he had been out the night before? Then it occurred to him like a lightning bolt inside his head. It was Christmas morning, he had set the alarm to put the goose in the oven. He could do that and then crawl back into bed for a couple of hours. He might even manage to persuade Crawford to ravish him when he got back. He didn't hold much hope for it, but he might.

He unwillingly extricated himself from Crawford's arms and pulled on a pair of jogging bottoms, he was only wearing his boxer shorts, shorts he was sure he hadn't gone out in, suggesting that Crawford had undressed him from the elaborate kimono when he fell asleep and dressed him for bed, all without him waking. He was flattered that he had, but at the same time he really didn't like the idea that he was able to sleep through all that manhandling by his enemy/boyfriend. He should have reacted to it on some level.

Crawford made an unhappy grunt noticing that Aya was gone. "Goose." Aya explained. "Back in a minute."

"Hmm?" Crawford mumbled into the pillow.

"I have to put the goose in the oven, assuming they killed it, I'll be back in a minute." He bent down and kissed Crawford on the cheek, he needed to shave but Aya really didn't care. He had half expected to wake up this morning with a hangover but was surprised he hadn't, but spending the night with Crawford would have made up for even a major hangover.

"Be quick," Crawford mumbled back.

Aya made it down the stairs loudly in his haste, made sure the goose was plucked with a look, and slammed it into the baking tray, hoping upon hope that the others had thought to disembowel it. They were assassins, surely someone had thought to disembowel it. He made a brief detour to the mission room, taking the presents he had bought them from out of hiding and sliding them under the tree before making his way back up the stairs. Then he ran back down the stairs and turned the oven on.

Crawford had sprawled out over the bed when he came back, slid off the jogging pants and climbed back into bed, nuzzling up to the warm arm that lifted to let him in. He was determined to take the best chance that he could to take advatange of the way they were lying, Crawford's broad stong chest, his warm heavy arm on his back, before he knew it though, he was asleep.

* * *

He woke up to a heavy rapping on the door, "Aya," Omi called excitedly, rolling over Aya looked at the alarm clock, it wasn't even seven o'clock yet. "Has Santa been, can we get up, has Santa been?"

"Omi, Santa doesn't come till nine." He grumbled back.

"Oki-doki." Omi said brightly and then walked away with feather light footsteps.

"How do you live with that?" Crawford mumbled into his hair. "Super genki boy first thing in the morning."

Aya sniggered, burying further into the curve of Crawford's neck. "Valium." He answered.

Crawford chortled, tilting Aya's face up to steal a kiss. Aya parted his lips opening himself to the kiss.

"Crawford," Nagi asked banging on the door, "Crawford!"

"I don't care." Crawford answered as with a smirk Aya straddled his chest to reach him better.

"Schuldig's covered in green paint, it says it burns, and we can't find the white spirit." Nagi shouted through the door.

Crawford swore but Aya raised his head to answer, "it's in the downstairs bathroom, in the first aid kit, and tell him to stay the hell out of my kitchen cupboards."

Crawford smiled at him with thanks for the quick answer and he looked so cute that Aya just had to kiss him.

"Aya," Ken shouted through the door, "tell Farfarello to get out of my bed, please. He's kidnapped Foffie, and he won't give her back."

Aya groaned. "Tell him she helps god." Crawford shouted back, "he'll give it back." They heard Ken leave. "What the hell is a Foffie?"

"His football mascot, he sleeps with it." Aya answered, lowering his head to Crawford's chest with a sense of resignation.

"Crawford." Farfarello shouted through the door. "Siberian is saying his prayers, can I kill him?"

"No!" Aya and Crawford shouted together.

"And he's stolen Foffie back, can I kill him for that?"

"No!"

There was a small period of silence that they appreciated by kissing, quietly and merrily.

"Aya." Yohji shouted through the door. "I'm hungry and you wouldn't let us use the kitchen, and when Schuldig tried to get the milk to make coffee he got blinded with green paint!"

"All right!" Aya shouted rolling off Crawford and standing up with a thump. "I'm getting up." There was enough muffled cheering outside the door to suggest that everyone had gathered around waiting for that. "And I won't make breakfast if you don't scarper now!" There was the sound of people running.

"They are so scared of you." Crawford said, sitting up and planting a kiss on Aya's shoulder. "I love it."

* * *

Aya stood over the stove stirring the soup and glaring at the seven gathered assassins that sat at the kitchen table waiting for the their breakfast. Omi and Nagi were wearing matching plaid pyjamas and each of them had a plush animal stuffed under their arm. Yohji looked as if he was still asleep, and was only awake because the rest of them were. Farfarello had a white doll with long black hair stuffed under his arm, and was wearing white pyjamas with long straps off the sleeves. Ken was wearing a football strip with a lion mascot under his arm. Crawford was wearing jeans and a sweater, but the prize of the bunch was Schuldig who wore red cotton long johns, but his face and fringe were bright green, and he was glaring pretty badly.

The first thing Aya had done was disable the paint pellets that were stuck to each of the cupboard doors, and had made a sensible Japanese breakfast of Miso and tamago-gohan. He switched on the radio to be met with a woman's voice signing, "you scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot." He switched the radio off.

"I love that song." Farfarello crowed. "It hurts god and it's from Ireland."

Groaning Aya turned the machine back on, as Farfarello sang along happily. "and the boys from the NYPD choir sang "go away babe."

"It's Galway bay, you Irish idiot." Yohji corrected. "The boys in the NYPD choir sang "Galway bay", and the bells they ringing out for Christmas day." Nagi did his best to hide his snigger, but it didn't really work according to plan and he ended up practising long distance spitting with his tea. Aya said nothing, obviously used to this kind of behaviour and handed him a handkerchief.

* * *

After breakfast as the rest gathered beneath the tree, Crawford pulled Aya aside and pressed a long slim parcel into his hand. It was delicately wrapped with a white bow in such a way that it could be slid open. He opened the box to reveal a charm bracelet of beautifully coloured semi precious stones carved into all manner of shapes. "For Aya," he whispered, "Nagi picked it for me."

"Thank you." Aya mouthed, wary that the others would find out.

The gathered assassins were sat around the tree, Farfarello still singing as a bright green Schuldig lifted presents to check the gift tags and see who they were for, although he knew the two biggest gifts were for Omi from Farfarello and himself. He handed Nagi a small slim package. "This is from me."

"A DVD." Nagi enthused, ripping open the package. "Ohmigod," he squealed, "you got me Halo 2, ohmigod, you actually listened to what I want." He glomped Schuldig.

Schuldig looked uncomfortable with the attention and handed him a larger box, "and this one's from Far," Nagi ripped off the paper to reveal a deluxe mecanno set. Although Milliardo Peacecraft's words ran through Nagi's head, he was still pleased with the gift, and it showed more care than usual. "And this one's from Crawford." He hefted the heavy box with a grunt. Nagi shredded the paper with the steady assurance that Crawford bought him the absolute best presents, and he wasn't disappointed to see that Crawford had foreseen Schuldig's present and bought him an X box. He grinned at Crawford where he sat pressed against Aya just close enough that it didn't look untowards. Schuldig rooted around and then handed Nagi a large box with an envelope stuck to it. "It's from Yohji." He said.

Nagi opened the envelope first to reveal a pair of concert tickets. "How did you?" he gasped, "and how?" he went bright red, "ohmigod." He said jumping over to glomp him again. Then he opened the box, and slammed it again with a blush. "You'll get me killed." He laughed.

Omi leant over him and he showed him the inside of the box, he reached in and pulled out a skinny fit T-shirt with the words "brazen fcuk" on it, and a matching pair of skin tight jeans. Crawford raised an eyebrow but said nothing.

Ken's present was a lot more predictable, he got him a soccer jersey for a team that Nagi had never heard of, a soccer ball, and a pair of cleats.

Schuldig offered him Aya's present, a small cube in silver paper. He opened it and his eyes opened wide. It was a Gameboy advance SP, Legend of Zelda edition, complete with the latest game. It struck Nagi speechless.

Omi's present from Aya was the same size and when he opened it he found a matching Gameboy, in the Pokemon edition, with the Pokemon Ruby game. Omi jumped up and glomped Aya with a great whoop, because someone at least had paid attention to what he was hinting at for the last four months.

He opened Crawford's present next to reveal a box of books, a complete matching set of Dickens. It made Omi's bottom lip quiver. Ken bought him an expensive art set that he had pointed out that he wanted, and Yohji bought him new clothes, obviously to wear to the concert he had bought Nagi tickets for. Nagi and Omi had every intention of swapping their presents in private. Omi's eyes widened at the huge present that Schuldig had bought it and opened it to reveal "Barbie's deluxe dream house." He raised an eyebrow as Farfarello handed him his present. "And matching pink limousine, have you been talking to Mill Peacecraft's little sister?"

Ken's presents included football tickets, several new jerseys and a new football, they suited him well, Aya on the other hand bought him a heavy new winter coat, muffler and gloves, as well as a raincoat to wear on the pitch that was fleece lined.

Yohji's were equally well suited, several books that he hadn't gotten round to buying yet, a cocktail mixer set from Omi, and a liqueur set from Nagi, a warm sweater from Schuldig, a rather evil looking knife from Farfarello who wasn't sure what else to get him. It was designed for wire cutting, so there had at least been some thought behind it. Farfarello was bought a set of kitchen knives that caused him to holler in glee, a new straight jacket brought tears to his eyes, and a series two set of Father Ted DVDs.

Schuldig's presents were for the most part imported from Germany, including a set of very expensive looking DVDs, a box of plum brandy miniatures and some spiced biscuits that Aya demanded the recipe for when he tasted them. They all knew that it was only Omi and Nagi that were really excited about their presents.

The whole of Schwarz had grouped together to buy Crawford a strange painting of a woman with a small child on her knee and a winged skeletal angel hovering over them as the child signed a document. Crawford was obviously delighted with it. It was slightly disturbing, but everyone could see why they bought it. 2 Weiss had gathered together as well to get him a first edition of "One flew over the cuckoo's nest" that had actually been signed. Aya of course had a separate present he would give him later.

Aya's presents were a strange and rather mixed affair. Ken had bought him a porcelain bisque doll with a strangely lifelike expression in an elaborate kimono, the doll's hair was red and it had obviously been specifically made for them, it was signed Kira.3 Omi had bought him a traditional print of a geisha reading poetry to an appreciative audience. Yohji had bought him a calligraphy print that Aya himself had done in Kyoto and had gifted to a prominent politician who Schwarz had later eliminated. He had gone to a lot of bother to get it, and that meant a lot to Aya, who in truth could have made up another copy of the poem with little to no effort.

Schwarz had, as for Crawford, gathered together and bought him a set of antique swords and a stand, although Schuldig seemed apprehensive about buying him more swords, then laughed it off.

"If this is all the gifts," Aya said gathering up the wrapping paper and balling it up in his arms, "we can tidy up and Crawford and I can make a start on dinner, if the rest of you want to get dressed."

* * *

Author's Notes

Poor Seraphim Grace apologises for her prolonged absence because a week is a long time for her, but she went away for Christmas and caught what might be consumption, so she's been feeling sorry for herself. So she has roused herself from her sick bed, banged the Tori Amos concert she got for Christmas on the DVD and booted up her laptop because her fans need to read the end of the Christmas fic before they go back to work for Easter.

I got asked why Crawford was wary of taking the last step with Aya, there are two reasons - one if he takes the last step he's giving up his last piece of control, something he is terrified of doing, it's also a very deep trust thing. The other is this story is only a PG13. However, if you're really, really nice to me I might write one and set it up as subscriber only.

1 I don't know about the rest of you but this blinking song followed me around for a week before Christmas, every time I turned on the radio I got that line, and could I get it out of my head.

For those of you that don't recognise it, blessed souls that you are, it's fairy tale of New York by the Pogues and Kirsty MacColl.

2The picture is called Human Frailty and is in the Fitzwilliam museum in Cambridge, and is utterly fab, I saw it and I thought of Crawford.

3 Kira Dolls are a phenomenon in Japan and they're damn freaky too. Have a look yourselves at 


	8. But the Irish suck at soccer

Part 8

* * *

Aya looked around the room with his bundle of wrapping paper gathered in his arms. "It's not even eight o clock yet." He said firmly, "and I'm not having you sitting watching the TV all day." 

"But…" Omi protested, realising he didn't really have a change of doing anything practical before Aya threw them out of the house.

"Ken, why don't you take Nagi and Omi out to the pitch, you can play soccer." It was clear that Aya was literally throwing them out of the house, but Omi had an answer for this.

"I don't have cleats." Omi said proudly.

"Yes, you do." Ken said excitedly, "I got you some for your last birthday, with that strip."

Omi groaned.

"Oh, and Ken," Aya said, knowing that as soon as he mentioned soccer that Ken would be his unwitting accomplice. "Take Farfarello with you."

"What did I do?" Farfarello whined. "I'm Irish, we don't do football. The only sport we take part in is the Eurovision song contest, cause we're good at it." Aya slid into a shi-ne glare, but only level one. "We play curling." Farfarello added.

"Just give in." Schuldig said, quite content that he wasn't being sent out in the snow and the cold.

"I don't have cleats." Farfarello whined.

"Aren't you the same shoe size as Ken," Yohji grinned, determined to enjoy this, because normally on Christmas morning he was sent out to play soccer. "You can borrow some of his."

"He might have foot fungus." Farfarello whined.

"I do not." Ken answered loudly.

Aya bumped up his glare to a level two, and Farfarello who couldn't tell the difference between a level two and a level five cowered, new set of ginzu knives notwithstanding.

"I don't have socks." It smacked of desperation.

"I have clean ones." Ken said. "And we can't play against each other unless we have two players each." He was almost whooping, he was so excited that someone was actually going to play with him. They never played with him, and they complained when he came back that he was covered in mud.

"Don't you have anything to say about this, Nagi?" Yohji whispered.

"I know when it's best to not even compete." He was the first up the stairs to get changed.

Aya turned to Yohji and Schuldig notching up his glare to a full factor three. "I don't have enough brandy for the pudding, or the brandy butter. Here's money, go get some, and take your buddy." Which of them he actually addressed was a matter of conjecture.

"But," Yohji started, "no where will be open."

"Somewhere will." Crawford said with a bit of a grin, knowing full well why Aya was driving them out of the house.

"Take your phone." Aya said, going into the kitchen, "Crawford's going to help me make dinner."

Yohji stood up and then leant in to Crawford, "are you sure you don't want to come with us on our magical mystery tour of Tokyo?"

"Oh, no," Crawford said with a bit of a grin, glad that he had foreseen this, "I like cooking."

The other four traipsed down the stairs, each holding a pair of cleats, one pair looking sparkling new, and the others in various stages of decay. Ken had a ball under his arm, the rest were wearing frowns. Crawford took one look at Nagi. "You can't play football in a floor length coat." He said.

"You can borrow a sweater." Aya said emerging from the kitchen with his beloved orange roll neck. Nagi went pale but took it nonetheless.

"Maybe we can destroy it." Farfarello whispered.

"The damn thing's immortal." Omi whispered back.

" I heard that." Aya answered.

"We're going to the park." Ken said in a sing song tone of voice. "We'll be back for three." The other three looked aghast, it was half eight in the morning, that meant a full day in the snow playing soccer.

"Dinner will be ready for half past." Aya answered.

"Take the first aid kit." Crawford said in an ominous tone, "or at least the antiseptic spray and some very large band aids." He gave a little smirk. "Don't worry," he said looking at Omi, "you won't need stitches."

Omi went very pale and turned his largest most vulnerable puppy dog eyes on Aya who just yawned and said, "have fun."

* * *

As soon as the house was empty Aya counted to twenty before he glomped Crawford. "I thought they'd never leave." He said pinning him to the sofa by sitting astride his hips. "I was beginning to wonder if I was going to have to point that freaky doll at them." He looked at the offending porcelain geisha. 

"He meant well." Crawford said, putting his arms around Aya's back, "he found you a Murasakiiro doll, it's not his fault that it looks as if it escaped from the Hell Toys manufacturing plant."

Aya kissed his lips gently, "you always taste of cinnamon." He said with a small laugh, and stole another kiss.

"Ran," Crawford said patiently, you didn't need to be a precog to see where Aya was taking this. "That doll's looking at me."

Aya cast his head back and laughed. "I doubt it," he said, "I put it back in the box." He leaned back, putting his hands on Crawford's chest. "There appears to be a problem here, I want this, God, do I want this, but I'm beginnign to think that you don't."

"It's not that." It was hard to think with the way that Aya was nuzzling his throat with his lips.

"Then what is it?" Aya's breath was a hot whisper against his ear, and his teeth reached out to bite the lobe gently.

"I'm scared we won't talk anymore." He stammered out, it was very very hard to think when Aya was doing that. "I love talking with you, Ran, about books and films, and politics, and I'm scared that if we take the next step we won't talk anymore."

Aya said a word he normally reserved for Ken, "baka." He said although a lot more fondly than when it was aimed at Siberian. "Why on earth would we stop talking? Although I'm all for stopping talking now."

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"I can't believe she did that." Aya said looking at the previous page.

"What?" Crawford asked, leaning up against Aya where they lounged on the sofa.

"Seraphim Grace-sama, she tippexed the entire scene out." Aya whined. "I finally get around your defences and we're left with a blank page."

"I think I like it better." Crawford said, stroking his hair, "It means it was just for us."

"You're a hopeless romantic." Aya said with a smile.

"I know." Crawford answered with a laugh. "but you like me like that."

"but it means she didn't feature the bit about the egg nog." Aya said with a little whine.

"If she tippexed it out from there, she certainly would have put in the bit about the egg nog."

* * *

Meanwhile in a field in the centre of Tokyo Omi was lying on the ground holding what he felt was his entire kneecap into his skin. 

"Oh come on," Farfarello said, taking out the antiseptic wipe that Crawford had insisted that they take with them for just this emergency. "It's just bloody, I've gotten worse picking my nose."

"It's easy for you to say that." Nagi whined, "you've got no sense of pain." He had gone all maternal since it was his boyfriend that had been injured.

"He's an assassin." Farfarello answered, "he's fought on with broken bones and a punctured lung, that is a knee scrape." It offended his sense of justice that someone even suggested that this small cut, barely worth being called an injury, was calling off play now he was finally enjoying it.

Ken picked him up "it might only be a knee scrape but it is Christmas, I'll phone Aya and let him know that we're coming home early."

* * *

In a sports buggy in Shibuya Yohji came out of what he was sure was the only open shop in all of Japan, a small shop with a little old lady that stunk of incense, "do you think that we should get some milk as well." Schuldig asked. 

"Probably an idea, no one ever has enough milk for Christmas." Yohji said.

"Do you think it's safe to go back to the house?" Schuldig said as they stepped back into the convenience store.

"I'll phone and check."

* * *

Author's Note

I always give you a note. The sex scene tippex thing I so stole from Robert Rankin's "Armageddon the Musical: The Suburban book of the dead" I admit it. If you admit it it's not plagiarism. But it was so funny and it fitted so well.

Next stop, Christmas dinner.


	9. Brussel Sprout Bad

Part 9

* * *

Brussel Sprout bad.

* * *

"Well now I've seen everything." Schuldig said in amazement at the spread laid out on the table before them. "First of all, one of the main florist assassins in the Kritiker stable has not only made enough food to feed half of Tokyo, but here's the killer." He looked at Aya who was stood at the sink in a brightly coloured apron, tight black leather trousers and a tight linen shirt, looking almost as good as the crisp golden goose on the table. Almost, the goose looked really good. "The one that has Satan going to work in a snow plough and buying shares in ice skates." Aya was stirring the carrots before he put them on the table. Crawford was also helping, and he was wearing a tight ribbed grey roll neck and a pair of jeans that looked like they had been spray painted on. "The truly amazing thing." Schuldig continued.

"He's singing." Yohji said from behind him. "I think I need a drink."

Aya was singing, loudly and almost out of tune, _"What a beautiful day, hey hey, I'm the king of all time, and nothing is impossible, in my all powerful mind_." He was also dancing to the music in his head, like a pole dancer in front of the stove.

Yohji reacted like any red blooded male would do in his position, to see his beautiful leader who was his "one true love" at least twice a month, even if he never let him do more than declare himself. He dropped the bottle of milk he was holding, watching it explode into a million white pieces across the floor.

That disrupted Aya from his show as Schuldig held his hand to his nose, hoping that by pinching both nostrils hard he could stave off the flow of blood he could feel forming. "Happy Christmas!" Aya beamed, and carried on with his song and dance routine, bending down to wipe up the milk in a way that made his wiggling ass stick out as he danced.

"Yes," Crawford said, moulding the stuffing into balls. "Happy Christmas." They didn't even flinch over the spilt milk where normally he would have exploded and be chasing him all over the Koneko screaming Shi-ne and brandished his new Katana in a meaningful manner.

"If it was anyone else but those two," Schuldig whispered, "I'd swear that they'd got laid."

"I know." Yohji whispered back. "But never them, the ice maiden of Weiss and Mr I'm so prim it hurts Crawford."

Schuldig decided to ask. "Have you two been drinking?"

"Did you get the brandy?" Aya asked, straightening up with a snap of his hips that rid Schuldig of what last restraint he had on his nosebleed, and handed him a napkin.

"Yuh, yuh, yuh." Yohji stammered. "I love you."

Aya kissed him on the nose, "and I love you too, Yohji, but you're only getting a kiss because you're stood under the mistletoe."

Schuldig shoved Yohji so hard he slammed into the stove and banged his head on a cupboard. "I'b udder the bistletoe dow." He exclaimed happily.

"Then you shall have a kiss too." Aya beamed with a really big grin, and kissed Schuldig on the forehead.

"I lub you doo." Schuldig said through the napkin rammed up his nose.

Crawford was still smiling but somehow he didn't look at all amused.

"Clear the way," Ken shouted from the door, "injured person coming through."

"For crying out loud!" They heard Farfarello yelled, "it's not that bad. I've done worse falling out of bed."

"Omi," Aya cried, running over with the first aid kit as Ken laid him out on the couch, "poor baby, what did you do?"

Farfarello looked at Ken, Ken looked back. Then they pointed in unison. "Pod person!" They shouted moving away.

"He's beed dwinkink." Schuldig said as if it explained everything.

"Why do I have to have been drinking to be in a good mood?" Aya asked, delicately wiping down Omi's split knee with antiseptic.

"What happened to our Aya who would tell me to live with it whilst pouring on surgical spirit?" Omi asked, warily.

"Pod person." Ken and Farfarello shouted together. "Go away and bring our mean Aya back."

Aya sniffled, then he looked up and a rather sly grin crept across his face which was the colour of wintry cream. "Omi, Nagi, did you know that you were under the mistletoe?" He went to lean forward when Crawford called something out from the kitchen. "Well, if I can't kiss you, then you'll just have to kiss each other." He stood up, "I have to leave you, boys, because dinner's burning." He went back into the kitchen with a sway to his hips that just caused Schuldig to clutch his nose again.

"Pod person." Farfarello shouted. "Can I kill him?"

"I've been with him all morning." Crawford answered from the door with his arms crossed and his expression was dangerous, "and I know he's not a pod person." He enunciated that very carefully. "And any attempts to kill the chef will result in no Christmas dinner. The fact is that Abyssinian has just found his Christmas spirit."

"Vodka." Yohji coughed into his hand as Crawford went back to helping in the kitchen. "He always gets kissy on vodka."1

"And who did he kiss?" Nagi asked. He knew the instant that everyone left them alone he was claiming the mistletoe kiss from Omi, come hell, high water, or the trail of dead he created to get rid of them.

"Schuldig and me." Yohji said with a beam. "Come on, dinner must be ready by now, I'm hungry." This was accented by a very loud tummy rumble.

"And so is your pod person by the sound of it." Ken said. "Hey, Nagi, are you going to help Omi in?"

"I can walk, Ken-ken." Omi said, "I've just scraped my knee."

Yohji opened the door to walk into the kitchen, then closed it and turned around. "Okay," he said, shocked.

"What?" Ken asked.

"It's not attack of the juju laced voodoo turkey is it?" Schuldig asked.

"It was a goose Schuldig," Omi said, "not a turkey, even if it does scan better."

"It would make a great horror movie." Farfarello admitted. "One of those 1950's jobs with the man in the rubber suit that looks like a pickle with lobster claws." He clapped his fingers against his thumbs in an approximation of claws as he said it.

"But," Yohji protested, they weren't listening now.

"I love those movies." Ken said with a gush. "But you don't understand, doctor, that creature is from beyond mortal ken."

"An immortal Ken?" Nagi hooted with a laugh.

"But you don't understand." Yohji protested, "they're," the words were lacking. "Mistletoe."

"Well spit it out," Schuldig asked, "we haven't got all day, and I'm hungry and you're in the way of the kitchen."

"Crawford, Aya, spelunking, mistletoe." He managed to stammer out. 2

"Now you're not even speaking Japanese. Aya, we're coming in, is dinner ready?" Omi shouted.

There was a moment before Aya answered. "Yeah, it's all on the table now." And continued with his happy little song. "_I was drinking in my night club, It felt good to be back, when Hepburn said "I love you", And Flynn said, "Make mine a double Jack." 3

* * *

_

The spread for Christmas dinner was huge, there were multiple types of potato, mashed, boiled, roasted and croquettes. There were two types of carrots, broccoli, cauliflower, sweet corn, brussel sprouts, cabbage and, being Japan, rice. Pride of place on the table was a large golden roast goose surrounded by cocktail sausages wrapped in bacon. There were four bottles of white wine open and eight wine glasses, suggesting that Crawford had been convinced to let Nagi drink (one of the bottles was non alcoholic but Nagi and Omi weren't to know that). In fact there was such a spread of food on the table, including three types of gravy, hollandaise sauce and cranberry and burgundy jelly, that there was no room for plates.

"There's no room for plates." Omi said looking at the magnificent spread.

Aya just laughed. "Do you know, I knew I'd forgot something." He looked at Yohji, "Are you all right, you look like you've seen a ghost?" He looked so happy Yohji just burst out crying. "I know, why don't we all heap up our plates and eat in the parlour."

"Pod person!" Ken shouted. The real Aya would never have suggested such a thing.

"Oh, you're silly." Aya said.

"Pod person." Omi added, pointing.

"Brussel sprouts hurt god." Farfarello shouted heaping his plate with the small green spheroid vegetables. "I love brussel sprouts.4 Can I have them all?" He looked at them and was holding his knife in a rather threatening manner.

"If you love them that much of course you can have them." Aya said with a smile, then a look of the usual flintiness returned, "of course you're spending the evening alone in the garden if you do."

Farfarello spent a moment weighing up the pros and cons of the arrangement. "Deal." He said. "I don't feel the cold."

"That will be the haze of methane," Schuldig said, "from eating all those vile vegetables."

"I've never had one." Omi said, he turned his biggest puppy dog eyes at Farfarello, "can I try one, please? Just one."

Farfarello thought about it. "Okay," he said, "but only one, they're mine, all mine."

Omi stuck his fork in and lifted one out. "It looks like a baby cabbage." He said, and bit into it, it was tender, it was slightly salted, it melted in the mouth. "Eeeuuughh." He said spitting it out into his napkin, "how can you eat those? Ugh, now I know what they mean by Brussel sprout bad."

"Give him a few hours," Schuldig said wryly looking at Farfarello, "then you'll know what they mean by Brussel sprout bad. They're like lightning seeds." Omi didn't look any more enlightened. "Fart pellets." He explained.

Farfarello had brought his legs up to his shoulders with the bowl of brussels held protectively to his chest, "my precious," he murmured, then devoured one of them whole. "Abyssinian. You make the best brussel sprouts. Ooh, pass the butter, and the hollandaise, and the white wine gravy, oh and some goose." He took the offered plate. Then looked at Aya and put the plate down for a moment. "I love you, you really cook to hurt god."

"How can cooking hurt god?" Nagi asked.

"It just does. I will never kill you." He gushed at Aya.

"This is really good." Nagi said, spearing a floret of cauliflower.

"We forgot to say grace." Ken said suddenly. Farfarello noticeably stiffened. "For what we are about to receive, Aya, we are truly grateful."

"Amen." The Irishman said, raising his wine glass. "Three cheers for our happy cook, I like him better than the old Abyssinian. Crawford, can we keep him?"

Crawford smirked and Yohji spluttered, choking on his sweet corn. "I was thinking the same thing."

Aya beamed.

Omi realised something was going on and he had no idea what it was. "so," he said determined to change the subject. "If you were an American super hero who would you be?"

"Wolverine." Ken answered with a laugh. Someone groaned.

"Spiderman," Yohji said, "because of the threads."

"And the super tight pants." Nagi added with a laugh.

"I'd be Batman," Crawford said, "because we're both business men with secret identities."

"The Green Arrow." Omi said, "Nagi?"

Nagi thought about it, "I suppose I'd be Robin because I'm Batman's younger henchman."

"You only have henchman if you're evil." Aya chided. "I suppose I'd be Nightwing, a lone wolf that doesn't talk to people."

"Nothing to do with Batman, I suppose?" Yohji asked archly.

"Certainly not, different cities." Aya said loftily. "And you, Farfarello?"

"Darkman, he doesn't feel pain." They all nodded though most of them hadn't even heard of him. "That leaves you, Schuldig?"

"I don't have an idea." He said, "can anyone think of a German super hero?"

"Nightcrawler from the X-men," Ken hooted. "He's German."

"He's also bright blue." Schuldig protested.

"What about Doctor Destiny?" Omi asked, "he can read minds."

"He's a villain." Crawford said.

"There's always the Flash." Nagi said with an open smile. "Aren't you like the fastest man on Earth?"

"I'll get you for that, kiddo, believe you me." And Nagi believed him.

* * *

Author's Note:

When writing nosebleed talk, it is often helpful to hold your nose and then repeat the phrase. It really does work as well as it sounds.

1. I checked Geisha and when Aya gets kissy he's been drinking vodka.

2. I laughed so hard when I was writing this, for obvious reasons, poor Yotan, you can just imagine what he saw. For those that don't know, spelunking (or potholing) is a type of caving involving very small caves.

3.The song Aya sings all the way through this chapter is "_What a beautiful day_" and is by the Levellers, and is super happy, like _I love you_ by the Scanty without being as annoying.

4 I love brussels as much as Farfarello so that I can write this is amazing.

5 I left it open for a reason, reader poll, what super hero do you think would suit our poor little Schu-Schu?


	10. The true meaning of a family Christmas

Part 10 - the Last

* * *

Christmas night

* * *

Farfarello had been sent to the garden with a blanket and a thermos and instructions not to come back in until he'd stopped polluting the atmosphere at exactly 9.13 and 12 seconds. Aya hadn't stopped singing but now the rest of the assassins were sprawled all over the couch groaning, Schuldig had gone so far as to unbutton the top button of his pants.

"You still haven't said what super hero you'd be." Crawford said turning to the stuffed German.

"Professor Xavier." Nagi suggested brightly, "he can read minds."

"Hello." Schuldig said, "he's bald." He touched his own luxurious red mane, "and I am so obviously not."

"So," Yohji said, "we need a red headed telepathic super hero."

"And good looking." Schuldig added, preening just a little as Omi cough-laughed into his hand.

"So," Yohji said, "we need a good looking red headed telepathic super hero."

"Jean Grey." Aya said, "fits the bill perfectly."

"One of the x-men." Crawford said, "I can see that working, Schuldig is some type of mutant."

"And there is that streak of evil, what with the phoenix force." Ken said, surprised for once to know little details about the conversation, normally he just uhmmed and ahhed and pretended to understand.

"But he's called Gene." Schuldig said, "don't you think that's a bit girly."

"Not really," Nagi said. "Because Jean Grey is one of the most powerful of the x-men." He was determined to drag this out as long as he possibly could.

"And there is another super hero name." Crawford said with a laugh.

"really?" Schuldig said, he didn't know much about super heroes.

"Yes," Omi said, "but it's not as famous as Jean Grey. They don't even use it in the film."

"There's a film?" Schuldig asked, digging the hole deeper and deeper with every step. "Who played me, I mean who played this Gene?"

"It was that actor from the bond film." Aya said, "what was the name of that character, Ivana Vankoff."

"No, I'm sure it was Jerkoff." Omi said.

"No," Ken said, "it was Ivana Topov."

"I love bond names." Schuldig said, "but who was the actor?"

"Funny name," Crawford said doing his best to swallow his grin, "it'll come to me, umm."

"Boris Karloff?" Schuldig asked.

"He's dead." Nagi protested.

"Klaus Kinski."

"I'm not sure he's not dead."

"I've got it, Famke Janssen." Crawford said clapping his hands together.

"Famke Janssen was in X-men?" Ken asked, "wow, in the leather suit and all. I really should have gone to see that movie on the big screen."

"But Ken," Schuldig said. "I thought you were the token straight guy in Weiss, like Far."

"I am, Famke Janssen's really hot though."

"What else was he in?" Schuldig asked.

"I can't think off hand, but she's a really good actress." Aya said, "and she really is stunning."

Schuldig took a moment to do the math on that, Ken found the actor attractive, Aya was referring to her as she and an actress, this meant only one thing, Gene Grey looked like a girl. "I can't believe you say I'd be a cross dressing super-hero, surely that would be the Geisha Fujimiya." Aya bristled, it was the first sign of a bad temper they'd had since they went out earlier that day.

"Schuldig," Omi said patting him on the arm, "Jean Grey's Marvel Girl."

"I wanna be bald!" he cried. "I don't wanna be Marvel Girl."

"I'll get the razor." Farfarello called in from the window, "we can do it in the bathroom."

"Farfarello." Crawford said in a dark tone, "we are not letting you cut anyone's hair after you made that mockery of Nagi's." Nagi threw his arms over his head. "And close that window, you're the opposite of grounded for another twenty three minutes until those vile vegetables are done with you."

"Okay," Aya said, standing up and running his hands down the lengths of his thighs to straighten out the leather, even Ken was affected by the show, being confident enough in his sexuality to find another man attractive. "Who wants coffee and Christmas pudding?"

"I couldn't eat another bite." Yohji protested.

"I've got custard." Aya said brightly, "and it's highly alcoholic, I've been feeding it since August, it's drank more this season than you and Schuldig put together."

"I suppose I could squeeze in a small portion." Yohji managed, "but it'll be a strain."

"Are you coming, Crawford? I'll just need a hand in the kitchen."

Yohji went white, then grey, then red, then purple before settling on a sickly yellowish green.

"Wow," Omi said noticing it, "who needs to know that Richard of York gave battle in vain, when you can just offer Yohji custard to learn the colours of the rainbow."

"I think he might be traumatised." Ken said as Aya and Crawford went into the kitchen. "Maybe it's a repressed childhood memory. Hey, Schuldig, you're psycho, read his mind."

"Psy-kick!" Schuldig enunciated carefully, "psy-kick not psy-ko."

"Well, read his mind, I wanna know if Yohji saw Mommy kissing Santa Clause." Ken badgered.

"Mistletoe." Yohji managed, his eyes were very wide, it looked like he might actually cry.

"Look, Schu," Nagi said, "I don't know about you, but the curiosity is eating me alive, what did he see?"

"Something nasty in the woodshed?" Farfarello asked from the window.

"That's not even funny, and no one gets it." Schuldig said closing the sash again. "Fartarello."

"Here we go." Aya said coming back into the room with a tray with eight tall glasses of dark rich coffee topped with whipped cream, he laid it down on the coffee table then took one and carried it to the window. "An Irish Coffee for our Irish guest." He said.

"Thank you, have you ever thought of getting married?" Farfarello asked, clutching the glass, "because gay marriage hurts god and I could treasure you."

Aya grinned and laughed a little, reaching forward he kissed Farfarello on the cheek. "I'm flattered."

"What happened to Schwarz's token straight guy?" Ken asked as he picked up his coffee and dragged his finger through the cream and bringing it to his lips.

"Have you tasted his cooking?" Farfarello asked, "I'd marry the pope if he could cook like our dear Aya-san. How about as a thank you, I'll hurt Takatori for you. I'll kill a family member or something."

"Thank you, now I'm going to have to close the window before Crawford shouts at you." Aya said, pulling the sash to again.

Schuldig took a sip of the Irish coffee and coughed as the alcohol burned its way down his gullet. "Woah," he managed, "more like Irish whiskey with coffee than the other way around."

"I got the recipe from Farfarello." Aya said, "I didn't put too much because I talked Crawford into letting Nagi drink some too."

"How in the hell?" Nagi asked, "I'm not allowed to drink until I'm at least thirty five."

Aya just smiled, Yohji started banging his head against the table.

"I have pudding." Crawford said coming in with another tray, this one laden with bowls of rich dark pudding and sweet custard. "Here you go," he said handing one to an obviously traumatised Yohji. "This should make you feel better." Yohji lifted the spoon to his lips.

"It's been made with an extra portion of Christmas love." Aya said with a smile, "And a lot of cream." Yohji spat the custard across the room.

"What's wrong with him?" Crawford asked sitting down, "Schuldig, you're psychic, read his mind, there must be a childhood trauma we could be laughing at."

"Mistletoe." Yohji stammered.

"Oh, is that all?" Aya said with a laugh, licking the cream off his finger just like Ken had, but when Aya did it they all watched, closely, except Farfarello who was paying close attention to his watch. "He must have seen me giving Crawford a Christmas kiss, he was stood under the mistletoe." Put like that it sounded much more innocent than it had been.

"Yes," Yohji said, "Christmas kiss," his eyes were still wild, "that'll be it, a Christmas kiss." He spooned up a portion of his pudding and put it in his mouth.

"Be careful with that, there's a silver sixpence hidden in the pudding for luck." Aya said.

Yohji found it, he coughed once, twice, then thumped his chest with his fist. Nagi, rolled his eyes and picked him up with his power, and gave him a mid air Heimlich manoeuvre. Yohji caught the coin in his hand, "Hey, is this really silver?" Aya nodded. "Cool." He said pocketing it. He took a drink of the coffee. "wow." He said pulling a face, "Is this the Jack Daniel special recipe?"

"No, it's Farfarello's."

"He has no sense of taste." Nagi said, "but this is good." He took a huge swallow of the coffee.

"Is there enough liquor in it that Crawford will get drunk and start singing show tunes? because I'm the only one that's never seen it." Ken said, ignoring the death glare that Crawford was sending his way.

Crawford put his hand to his forehead, "no," he said, "not going to happen."

"Far just proposed to Abyssinian." Schuldig said conversationally.

"Really," You could polish diamonds on the tone of voice Crawford used.

"He likes my cooking," Aya said, "and he promised to kill a Takatori for me."

"Can we make dibs on Ouka?" Omi asked, "because she scares me."

"And who's Ouka?" Nagi asked.

"She's this mad girl in the shop," Ken said, "she thinks she's Omi's girlfriend, but she's a real space case, she keeps buying him flowers and making him listen to her, she's scary."

"She was that girl you shot at, remember." Yohji said, "the one with the curl."

Nagi's face hardened into a very dangerous expression, then he smiled, "yes, I remember, I will talk with this girl who is interested in my boyfriend."

"Boyfriend?" Crawford asked.

Nagi went paler than usual, then took a large swallow of his coffee flavoured alcohol. "I mean buddy." Nagi stammered, "yes, buddy, he's my partner in the buddy system." Then he looked at Crawford, "why didn't you kill her when you shot at her?"

"Because I was aiming for the twit with the really annoying voice." Crawford answered.

"The one that was shouting Aaaaaayyyyyyyaaaaaa?" Schuldig asked, picking Yohji's mind for that information. Yohji was banging his head on the table again.

"Her voice could cut through steel." Aya said.

"I'll remember her." Schuldig said with a wicked smile. "Your little Saki-chan, Abyssinian." Aya's eyes went wide.

Crawford managed the dangerous expression that Nagi had tried for earlier. "Saki-chan?" He asked.

"I'm going to bed." Aya said in an arch tone. "I don't like the tone this conversation has taken." Schuldig giggled. "And for your information, Nagi and Omi have been going out for a whole year." Omi made his Christmas wish in that moment, for the couch to open up and swallow him.

"We promised," Omi said, "that you wouldn't tell Crawford and I wouldn't tell Yohji."

"Tell Yohji what?" Yohji asked interested.

"That Aya's mystery customer in Kyoto was Crawford." Omi snapped.

"Schuldig told me that." Yohji said.

"But Schuldig didn't tell you that Crawford was determined to get into Aya's pants until he found out that he was wearing briefs and not lingerie." Omi shouted.

"I wasn't wearing underwear in Kyoto." Aya shouted back.

"Apart from the bra." Ken said helpfully.

"You stay out of it." Aya and Omi shouted at Ken in unison.

Yohji went back to banging his head on the table, and somewhere a Christmas fairy sat back to survey the scene, Aya and Omi were screaming at each other, Crawford was in a foul temper at being lied to, for a whole year and that both his boyfriend and Nagi had kept this secret from him, and Nagi was crying. Ken was scared, Schuldig was amused, and Yohji was banging his head on the coffee table. This was a family Christmas well done.

* * *

_And the blood red sun had gone burning down_

_And the lights were lit in Tokyo town_

_outside in the gloom and the twilight red_

_Farfarello froze cause they'd gone to bed.

* * *

_

Author's Note:

And Christmas came to an end. I can't believe I dragged out that cheap Jean Grey joke for two pages, now that's padding.


End file.
